Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
You Might Also Like
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
good work, everybody
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.