Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
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I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
okay run it by me one more time
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.