Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
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Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that