@envydatropic

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

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@JohnLyonTweets

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

@k_umezinwa

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

@TheToddWilliams

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

@TXrednation1

Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.

Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*

@MumInBits

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

@Pork_Chop_Hair

The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.

Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*

Spider: noooooooooo

@AnnaKendrick47

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

@ThisOneSayz

First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

@stephenjmolloy

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”