Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
You Might Also Like
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
oppen heimer style lol
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”