Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
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Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.