[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
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Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.