Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
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Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
how to exercise your calf muscles
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did