TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
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is nasa ok
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
When you’re Kinky but poor
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….