TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
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Ooops wrong house😂😜
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
There is no try. There is only give up.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.