[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
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My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.