Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
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Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.