Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
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Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
🙁
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.