[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
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So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.