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Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
But is it really??
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Science memes
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)