Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
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I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer