Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
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If you need a laugh.. 😅
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I love it all
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”