*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.đ˘”
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Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, âAre you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.â
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Trumpy Cat
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
me: I feel like thisâd be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you canât âwinâ therapy
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldnât be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
2025: The piĂąatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
âThat’s herpesâ
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Should I ever go missing, please donât let the news use my 7th grade picture.