Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
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I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”