Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
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Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
crying
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
dads on road-trips be like