[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
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It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice