TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
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Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Why I divorced her.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix