Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
You Might Also Like
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.