Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
You Might Also Like
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Matt Goss
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.