@Yankeegiant72 … and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
@chopper4jk Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
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@Yankeegiant72 
@Birdhumms Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
@djdarrellripley Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
@OhNoSheTwitnt The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
@AndrewChamings date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
@CooperLawrence Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
@Parkerlawyer *buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
@Archimbaldo WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
@daemonic3 *gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
@HaeJi_Cho The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm