Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
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You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.