[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
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Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
what kind of cook setting is this??
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.