[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
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Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”