[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
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A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
“You’d better run, egg!”
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Erm…
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on