Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
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me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
United Steaks of America
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill