@imteddybless TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
@authorkaitlyn Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
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@imteddybless 
@squirrel74wkgn My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
@mommeh_dearest “It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
@bonehugsnirony Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
@HotBitHoran Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
@murrman5 my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
@eleniZarro 2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
@mishakey If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
@Sanbel11 [job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
@3sunzzz If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.