{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
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Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Labreador
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs