Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
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My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm