Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
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Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug