[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
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Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.