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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
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When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.