Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
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throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite