@amburgklur

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

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@thepaulasuzanne

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

@Book_Krazy

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward

@Gott_Partikel

Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.

@TopherKearby

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

@squirrel74wkgn

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

@merican_ninjy

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

@david8hughes

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them