Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
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[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
mood
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.