[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
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I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.