[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
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PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
They did not think through this water fountain
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Who.
Did.
This?
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape