TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
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I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
He’s cranky this morning
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
sounds kinky. i’m in.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry