Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
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Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
three things we don’t talk about
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.