@_davidlucas_

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

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@ninjadinosaur1

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

@PinkCamoTO

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

@mattgallo123

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

@mynameisntdave

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

@Adam_Kingsnorth

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

@funnybeachgirl

2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I’m not deleting this)

@smiles_and_nods

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.

@BruceForce

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants

This is just a bottomless Pitt