Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
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One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing