[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
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[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.