If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
“I think we should spend some time apart”
“Ok that was enough time”
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In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.