[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
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Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO