@Brampersandon_

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

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@TheBoydP

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

@_wangwe

In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

@bewgtweets

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

@tigersgoroooar

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

@JasonNotEvil

Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE

Me: *opens door*

Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka

@krystaunclear

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

@mattZillaaaa

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

@HollyMemphis

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

@TheAlexNevil

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.