Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
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I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
doing some research
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges