[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
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In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
What the hell is going on?
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son