[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I 鉂わ笍 murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 馃敨 everyone
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Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Therapist: healing isn鈥檛 linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Why aren鈥檛 more people talking about this?
gentlemen, hear me out
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I鈥檒l be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you鈥檙e getting pee on my shoes.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she鈥檚 been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he鈥檚 losing his shit.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know