*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
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Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
That’s incredible! 👌
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.