Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
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Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
so this horse walks into a bar
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I think I’m having a stroke
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..