[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
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Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
I cannot call her anything else now
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.