[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
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Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
This story is comedy gold 😂
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Twitter remains undefeated
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?